It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Randomize
