Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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