She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
