Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
