worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
