The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
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