the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Randomize
