my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
