My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
