I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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