I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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