I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
