i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
NoShamevember. You game?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
