He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
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