1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
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