Yo dont text me then not text me
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I am naked and annoyed.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Randomize
