Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(407): View more from Florida

I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.

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(214): View more from Texas

There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.

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(309): View more from Illinois

I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.

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(407): View more from Florida

Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.

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23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
Read it at the TFLN blog
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I want you more than I want a burrito.

(207): View more from Maine

I'm not as filling.

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