I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.