She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
