me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
