Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
