a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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