i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
