Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Randomize
