The maid of honor just puked.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
