My cat gives me a boner
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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