____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Randomize
