I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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