there's paper in my vomit.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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