just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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