hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
