you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
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