My liver just broke up with me...
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Randomize
