i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
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