Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.