Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Randomize
