Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
Terrible brother advice.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?