I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
