I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
