Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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