I bet he comes in French.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
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This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
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There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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