And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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