He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
