i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
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Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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