just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
