I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
