I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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