I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
