I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
