I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
