Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
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