Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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