heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
