he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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