He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
