Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
