we were pretty classy up until the second keg
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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