is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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