You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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