The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
