I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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