yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
