i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
My vagina is officially offended.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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